Sunday, April 6, 2014

March Sadness: A Guide to Grieving TV's Casualties

Okay, everyone, time to let out that deep breath you've been holding. It seems like (the new Game of Thrones tonight notwithstanding) the Season of Death may finally be winding down. If you're a person who watches television, like, at all, one of your shows has probably killed off a character you loved, recently. Now, I myself watch a lot of TV, but it's probably not physically possible to keep up with all of the shows that have killed off someone important in the last season. So I recruited my sister, Holly, to fill in the knowledge gaps, and together we've written something that lies somewhere on the intersection of a TV review, a fictional obituary section, and a how-to guide for getting through this difficult time.

Holly's entries are signed "HG"; mine are signed "MG." There are, obviously, oodles of spoilers, but even naming the shows that are spoiled would itself be a spoiler, so read on at your own peril. Also, if we've missed someone, or if you think you have a better answer for one of our entries, please let us know in the comments.

(Also, all credit for "March Sadness" goes to someone on Tumblr; alas, I can no longer find the post it came from.)


In the last month

How I Met Your Mother

Who Died? Oh, like you don't know. Fine. The Mother. Tracy McConnell. She deserves her own name, and I'm using it, dammit. I’m specifically not using Tracy Mosby, because fuuuuck Ted Mosby and his long-ass story about wanting to bang Robin for 20+ years.

Why Would They Do That? Because the creators got some stick up their butt about this story being about Ted and Robin's true wuv, even though they categorically sucked as a couple, and Tracy was standing in the way of that true wuv and was merely a convenient way for Ted to have children.

What Does it Mean for the Show? The show’s over now, so it means nothing for future episodes. For the show’s legacy, well, it depends on who you ask. Possibly a big problem for proposed spin-off. Everyone is angry. If you’re the type of person who has a hard time compartmentalizing, it’s now unwatchable in reruns. If you’re the type of person who has no problem repressing traumatic memories, it means nothing, nothing at all! If you’re the type of person (I’m told they exist) who liked the ending, well, kudos, I guess?

How Should I Mourn? Scream. Swear. Rant in the AV Club comments section. Throw darts at a picture of the creators. Petition for Cristin Millotti to be wonderful and effervescent on her own show. Listen to “La Vie En Rose” on repeat. Watch the far superior fan-created ending on Youtube.

Who's Next? Your belief in maturing and growing as human beings. Your belief in love. Your belief in happy endings. Your belief in good endings.

—HG


Once Upon a Time

Who Died? Neal (aka Baelfire, aka Rumple's son, aka Henry's dad, aka Peter Pan's grandson, aka Emma's ex-boyfriend, aka Hook's friend, aka Hook’s dead girlfriend's son, aka WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR FAMILY TREES, OUAT?)

Why Would They Do That? Don't really know. There were rumblings the actor was unhappy, but maybe it was just time for another main character to die. The last time a death really stuck was the poor, lamented Sheriff, whose actor is now stuck doing 50 Shades of Gray, so let’s hope Michael Raymond-James fares better for his next project.

What Does it Mean for the Show? One less love interest for Emma? So now Swan Queen shippers and Captain Swan shippers and Outlaw Queen shippers can fight to the death? Really, Neal barely registered as a character. Did he and Emma even have a ship name? (You don't count on this show if you aren't actively shipped with someone. That's an OuaT RULE.) [The ship name was Swan Fire, or sometimes Swan Thief. –Madelyn] Even during his death scene, Emma was sad for about a hot minute and everyone else basically reacted like, "Meh." It was probably the singularly least emotionally affecting death on this whole list. Maybe because everyone knew it was coming? Also, maybe it will make Rumpelstiltskin be really sad and they can just write stuff for Robert Carlyle to do? Because Robert Carlyle. And Lana Parilla. Am I right? Wait. What was I writing about? Oh, yeah. Neal. Sorry, Neal.

How Should I Mourn? The characters didn’t, so why should you?

Who's Next? This show has been surprisingly reluctant to kill off characters, so it may be a while. But, if I had to guess, a secondary character whose actor lands a successful pilot. (Sorry, Meghan Ory, not you. I love you and Josh Holloway, but your new show is not so good. Better luck next time! And I mean that. Find a show that deserves you.)

—HG


Pretty Little Liars

Who Died? Mrs. DiLaurentis (aka Alison's Mom, aka Spencer's dad's booty call, aka Jason's Mom, aka Blonde Creepy Cypher Next Door aka Jessica DiLaurentis)

Why Would They Do That? Because she knew too much! No, seriously. Because she knew too much. She saw who hit Ali the night she was buried alive and presumably was too much of a danger to that person to stay alive. Why this was suddenly an issue so much later, I have no idea. Then again, it's unclear to me what timeline PLL is even on these days. It may be anywhere from 1 1/2 years to, like, 3 years since Ali “died” (spoiler: she didn't actually die). Also, because the producers needed a death in the season finale and, really, who else were they gonna kill? Noel Kahn? Bitch, please. Being on Dancing with the Stars doesn't rate you for the SHOCK death of the season finale of PLL. For that you have to be the former female lead of The Pretender, which is a show a lot of people liked for some reason I can't recall now.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Presumably this death will set off some sort of chain reaction of events in season 5 which lead to the revelation of the Ultimate A, unless the show continues to be a ratings winner for ABC Family, in which case it will reveal the person who is supposed to be Ultimate A, but it turns out not so much.

How Should I Mourn? Like any PLL death, mourning should take the form of ridiculously inappropriately cleavage revealing backless funeral dresses.


 Bonus mourning points for random animal prints on your dress!

Who's Next? On this show? Presumably anyone who isn't one of the Super Best Friends or a popular love interest. People seem kinda over Toby lately, so... Toby? As long as it's not Mona, does anyone really care? (No. The answer is no.) [I care if Toby dies! –Madelyn] [I also care if Toby dies! It’s just he’s barely been on the show lately, so he seems primed for a SHOCKING death. Then again, the show already “killed” him once, so maybe not. –Holly] [This is your own section, Holly. You can just edit the text directly, you don’t need to add bracketed comments. –Madelyn]

—HG


Scandal

Who Died? James Novak (aka Cyrus Beene's Husband aka Journalist Extraordinaire aka Lately the White House Press Secretary for Some Reason No One Can Remember).

Why Would They Do That? On the show, James died because he was trying to reveal a ridiculously complicated cover-up perpetrated by his husband to conceal the fact that the Vice President killed her husband and Jake (Scott Foley, who will always be Noel from Felicity to me), head of a secret underground organization within the government called B613, was convinced this would somehow destroy the United States (which he calls “The Republic” which is stupid because NO ONE CALLS IT THAT, JAKE) and so Jake shot him, along with two minor guest stars. (Including Julia Cho. Hi Julia Cho! I miss you as Charlotte on the LBD so I’m really glad you're now a guest star on EVERYTHING.) If that was complicated and confusing to read, imagine what it was like to watch. Why did Shonda Rimes do it? Because she's Shonda Rimes. She loves to kill characters. It's the main trick in her bag o' them. There may have been deeper narrative reasons, such as setting up a showdown between B613, the White House, and Olivia Pope, but hell if I know what those are because this show is so off the rails at this point, I have no clue what's happening on any given Thursday.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Well, it gave the world that really creepy scene where Jake stayed with James while he slowly died of a gunshot wound because it needed to look like a poorly executed carjacking. Also, it made Cyrus sad and galvanized Olivia against B613 and... I don't know. Really, I just have no idea. There's a bomb now or something? That Olivia's mom procured? I just... I don't know.

How Should I Mourn? It's Scandal, so a bowl full of red wine, I guess?

Who's Next? You'd think no one immediately, but I’m guessing one or two characters also bite it in the last two episodes of the season. Probably Jake. (SOB, NO. ILY SCOTT FOLEY.) If we're all really lucky, Fitz. Yeah, I went there. I hate that guy. 

FUN SIDE NOTE: The episode where James died was directed by Paul Crane, who played Dr. Romano on ER, which was like a far superior Grey's Anatomy precursor, so it's all FULL CIRCLE. [ER also had The Good Wife's Julianna Margulies, so it was weirdly tied into TV deaths that week. –Madelyn] Also, he's the guy whose character had his arm chopped off by a helicopter and was subsequently killed by a crashing helicopter in a later season, so I guess he knows from crazy over-the-top primetime soap operas.

—HG


The Good Wife

Who Died? Will Gardner, the show’s male lead, and long-time love interest of the main character, Alicia Florrick. At the time of his death, Will and Alicia were not together—in fact, they were just starting to reconcile after a period of hating each other. (Opinions differ on whether they were on a trajectory towards romantic reconcilement; as for me, I’ pretty sure they weren’t.)

Why Would They Do That? Actor Josh Charles wanted to leave the show, and the showrunners felt that there was no other satisfying and in-character way to write Will out.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Will was a huge element of almost every ongoing plotline. Obviously, the love triangle element of the show—between Will, Alicia, and Alicia’s husband Peter—is out for now, and the trailers for upcoming episodes seem to indicate that Will’s death will have major (and negative) implications for Alicia’s relationship with Peter. In the short term, two other major plotlines are also affected: the bitter competition between Will and his partner Diane’s law firm and the splinter law firm that Alicia created when she left; and a government investigation into voter fraud in the election that put Peter into office as the governor of Illinois, in which Will was a major player. It’s pretty clear that Will’s death will go a long way towards healing the rift between his firm and Alicia’s, both because grief brings people together and because Will was the person doing the most to fuel the fire. It’s completely unclear what’s going to happen with the fraud investigation.

In the long term, Will’s death could have a significant impact on the kind of show The Good Wife is. Matthew Goode was brought in in the last episode to try to keep the gender ratio of the main cast at least a little balanced (technically it’s half men, half women, but the narrative weight leans heavily female), but his character has had far too little screen time for anyone to know what he’ll bring to the show. [Matthew Goode! He’s been in every British thing ever. I don’t understand his American accent; it confuses me. I’m really glad Matthew Goode is here to ease my pain. –Holly] More fundamentally, however, The Good Wife changes as Alicia changes, and grief changes a person. The tone, the themes, the emotional meat of the show are all up in the air, going forward.

How Should I Mourn? To truly celebrate the life and times of Will Gardner, you should respond to unexpected loss by embarking on a highly personal vendetta against those who have wronged you. Overturn tables. Have a lot of hyperfocused late-night planning sessions with a bottle of whiskey. Hire an Irish mobster to steal all the furniture from the Good Wife writer’s room.

Or you could be lame like me, and just listen to “Any OtherWorld” on constant repeat.

Who’s Next? No one. This isn’t fucking Scandal.

—MG


Teen Wolf

Who Died? Fan favorite Allison Argent, an original series regular, and main character Scott McCall’s on-again, off-again girlfriend.

Why Would They Do That? Actress Crystal Reed wanted to leave.

What Does it Mean for the Show? The whole first season of the show was a starcrossed lovers story between werewolf Scott and werewolf hunter Allison, and even though Scott got a new girlfriend this season, it was always very clear that Allison was the “real” love interest. So now that Allison’s dead, I guess it means that people have to take his new girlfriend seriously. Like, we might even have to learn her name. Given Teen Wolf fandom, I can’t imagine that going well.

How Should I Mourn? Gay werewolf fanfiction.

Who’s Next? No idea, but it’d be nice if it were Allison’s awful undead aunt Kate, since apparently it didn’t take the first time.

—MG (with an assist from her friend K.)


Hannibal

Who Died? Medical examiner Beverly Katz, a series regular and fan favorite.

Why Would They Do That? I don’t know, really. According to Beverly’s actress, Hettienne Park, “Bryan [Fuller] crafted Katz’s death from the get-go for the sake of storytelling.” (No idea if “from the get-go” means Katz was always slated to die, or whether it just means that Fuller never had anything but the narrative in mind when planning her death.) Katz was killed by Hannibal Lecter, just after she discovered his human-eating habit. I haven’t seen any of season two, yet, though, so I have no idea if her death was necessary to the plot. I guess it could be.

What Does it Mean for the Show? One less female, minority character for fans to point to when they’re explaining at length how progressive the show is. Probably some very important plot-related things as well. Maybe it’s going to exonerate Will Graham. Is he still arrested?

How Should I Mourn? With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Who’s Next? Again, I haven’t seen any of season 2 yet, so I’m making these predictions based on fuzzy recollections of first season and Internet murmurs, but we’d put our money on either Hannibal’s therapist Bedelia Du Maurier (Gillian Anderson) or Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne), head of the BSU. Or maybe Crawford’s wife (Gina Torres), who has cancer, doesn’t she? No matter who it is, I’d imagine the next major character death is a ways off; Hannibal doesn’t have a very large main cast, and it’s the kind of show that will definitely see diminishing returns as it kills off more characters.

—MG


The Simpsons

Who Died? Mrs. Krabappel; someone else is rumored to die later in the season.

Why Would They Do That? Because of the sad death of voice actress Marcia Wallace last year.

What Does It Mean for the Show? Deep sadness. Throughout more than 20 seasons, Mrs. Krabappel and Marcia Wallace have been a mainstay of the show. Ned's a widower twice over now, and the world is absolutely worse off for the loss of a woman like Wallace.

How Should I Mourn? For Mrs. K, have a martini and a cigarette. For Wallace, consider a donation for breast cancer research, a cause near and dear to her heart.

Who's Next? The show promises someone. I'm going with Marge's mom or Homer's Dad. Really, I’m still just sad about Wallace.

—HG


The Vampire Diaries

Who Died? Katherine (aka Katerina Petrova aka Elena's Doppelganger aka The One Everyone Liked a Lot)

Why Would They Do That? Sigh. There's no way to explain that in the context of the show without several timelines, a couple of clip shows, and a chart. Basically, everyone hated her. Except the viewers. The viewers loved her. Why did the show kill her? I assume they sort of wrote themselves into a corner, where the choice was kill Katherine or kill Elena. Again, the viewers might have chosen differently.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Well, Nina Dobrev gets to do about 50% less work every episode, which is probably a nice change for her. Viewers were annoyed, because the viewers LOVED Katherine and her sociopathic ways, and it's not at all clear how the show is planning to fill that void, except with more love triangle. And the viewers HATE the love triangle. Also, for this show rounding into its season finale, it seems somewhat Big Bad-less at the moment (I’m also about two episodes behind on TVD,so excuse my ignorance if they've managed to introduce a new Big Bad. What? I watch a lot of TV, okay? Sometimes I get behind. I also have to hold down a job, watch a ton of gymnastics, and occasionally pay attention to my cat. My life is busy and full.)

How Should I Mourn? Throw on some fabulous clothes and the darkest red lipstick you can find, and WREAK HAVOC on your nearest and dearest.

Who's Next? Bonnie? Maybe? Probably not, though. They kind of pretend killed her already. I don't really care, as long as it's not Matt Donovan. Because Matt Donovan is the absolute best.

—HG


In the past season

House of Cards

Who Died? IngĂ©nue/investigative reporter Zoe Barnes in the premiere, and probably Frank Underwood’s assistant Doug Stamper in the finale.

Why Would They Do That? I don’t know why Doug died, but as for Zoe, she wasn’t evil and she wasn’t a doormat, so she had to go. Also, she was the only person in the world (save Claire) who was capable of bringing down Frank Underwood, and House of Cards hates tension, so that couldn’t stand.

What Does it Mean for the Show? The boring-est second season that ever boring-ed. Seriously. Zoe was the only character on the show who had, like, potential for character growth, and without her, the story lost pretty much all tension and depth. Every two or three episodes there’d be some new possible threat to Frank’s evil plans, and then two or three episodes later the threat would be quashed. It was frustrating, fatalistic, and dull, and I probably won’t be tuning in for season three.

How Should I Mourn? Find someone completely innocent and ruin their life.

Who’s Next? There are a few people left who have enough information to piece together Frank’s conspiracy: three reporters, one of whom is in jail and one of whom is basically in hiding; a hooker who Frank hired to ruin Whatsisface the congressman; Jimmi Simpson’s hacker character; and Frank’s wife. I guarantee the next death will be one of them, or some new character who shows faint signs of actually doing something.

—MG


The Originals

Who Died? A lot of effin' people, because it's a Julie Plec show. But a lot of those were smaller characters and a whole lot of the deaths didn't stick because, you know, supernatural and stuff. But one who did? The witch Sophie Devereaux. [I refuse to believe that’s her name. Her name is not actually Sophie Devereaux. The Originals does not have a Leverage reference. –Madelyn]

Why Would They Do That? On the show, because... well, I don't know. Her niece murdered her for not believing in some ritual that would bring her niece back to life (which did, in fact, happen, hence the ability to murder) and not being all, "Rah-rah, witches of New Orleans unite for pooooooooower." Honestly, it was a little muddled. Why did the show do it? Again, Julie Plec show. Sister show of The Vampire Diaries. This is just what they do. And that's fine, so long as they don't kill Eliiiiiiiiijah.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Very little. There are a lot of witches on that show, and Sophie never popped much as a character in the first place. Her death didn't really even seem to have that many plot repercussions, at least not since I fell behind a few weeks ago. (Again, cat, work, gymnastics, etc.)

How Should I Mourn? Here's the thing. There's so little I really recall about Sophie's character, beyond the fact that she was a somewhat reluctant witch. So... cauldron cakes? Cauldron cakes for all?

Who's Next? Not Elijah. I can tell you that for damn sure. I dunno. Um. Let's see. Probably someone come finale time, but I'm a little behind, as I said. Probably a witch. The show is running a little low on vampires with Clare Holt's departure.

—HG


Community

Who Died? Pierce Hawthorne (Chevy Chase), an original series regular, the study group’s “closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly crazy friend.”

Why Would They Do That? 1. Chevy Chase wanted to leave the show, because 2. Chevy Chase doesn’t really like doing TV shows, and 3. Chevy Chase and showrunner Dan Harmon don’t get along at all, although that’s probably not all that relevant because 4. Dan Harmon was fired as showrunner at the time that Chevy Chase decided to quit, but then 5. Dan Harmon came back as showrunner and needed a way to 6. Write Donald Glover off the show, which he did by 7. Killing off Pierce and having him write into his will that Troy could only get $14 million if he went on a solo sailing trip around the world.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Pierce often served as both a weird father-figure and a pointed warning to Jeff about the man he could become if he continued down the wrong path; his absence from the show will of necessity change the kinds of stories it can tell about those themes. In the short term, Pierce has been replaced by Jonathan Banks’ Professor Buzz Hickey, who’s doing an admirable job providing an entirely different kind of old-fogey energy to the show. Banks isn’t (yet) signed on as a series regular, though that may be moot, if Community finally loses its annual staring contest with the NBC execs and gets itself cancelled.

How Should I Mourn? Anyone who really understood Pierce Hawthorne would never let someone else tell them how to mourn.

Who’s Next? Probably no one, but it really depends on whether another main cast member ever gets fed up enough to drive them off the show forever.

—MG


Homeland

Who Died? Brody. Wait, he had a first name too. Hold on... Okay, Google informs me it is "Nicholas Brody", which sounds right.

Why Would They Do That? Basically, the showrunners had no clue what do with the character anymore. I mean, when you're a wanted terrorist and your best moments on the show are your interactions with a CIA agent, it's kind of an issue. Critics all seemed to agree Brody had to go, so away he went. Even for Homeland, Brody's continuing to orbit Carrie's life was a stretch after he killed the Vice President and tried to blow up major political figures and all. I mean, hell, the best they could do was stick a needle in his arm and keep him high in Caracas for half the season. It was time. And the decision to do it was an argument that the show might be salvageable.

What Does it Mean for the Show? “Might” being the operative word. As absolutely ridiculous as Brody's continued survival and interactions with CIA Cadet Carrie were, the moments where the show truly shone in terms of acting and chemistry tended to be the times Carrie and Brody were onscreen together. Not because they were a great couple, but because the utter madness and mess of their lives was never more visceral and real than when they were acting as agents of the other's destruction. What Homeland 2.0: The Post-Brody Years will look like is anyone's guess, and whether it will work on any kind of compelling level is even more up in the air. But take heart, we’ll always have Mandy Patinkin's beard. Oh, and Carrie's lovechild with Brody, which she may or may not give up for adoption. At the very least, I’ll no longer have to spend my Sundays screaming at Brody for forgetting that he has a son. Now, wait. What was that kid's name again? Jeremy? David? Michael? Time for Google again. Chris. His son's name was Chris. 

How Should I Mourn? Hate sex with an ex. 

Who's Next? Most likely random terrorists. This show is not going to kill another lead in the season after they killed Damian Lewis. That would just be madness.

Note: On a more somber note, James Rebhorn played Carrie's father on Homeland and brought a needed weight to the role and an epicenter of calm in the insanity that is Carrie's life. He was lovely in the role, as he has been in so many roles in his long and varied career, and he sadly passed away in March. Regardless of whether the character dies offscreen or is simply referenced and left unseen, Rebhorn's death is a true loss to Homeland and the acting community, and judging by his reputation and the lovely obituary he wrote, a true loss to humanity as well.

—HG


Supernatural

Who Died? Kevin Tran, some guy who’s occasionally hung out with the Winchesters for the past couple of seasons and who is apparently beloved of fans. Having stopped watching Supernatural after season 5, as all right-thinking TV viewers should, I’m not really filled in on the details of, like, who he is.

Why Would They Do That? Supernatural no longer does things for “reasons.” It finds it sufficient to merely do things.

What Does it Mean for the Show? “Mean?” What is this “meaning” you speak of?

How Should I Mourn? You can mourn Kevin by, um, crying, I guess? You can mourn the decline of Supernatural by revisiting the TwoP recaps of the first five seasons before they are lost to the ages.

Who’s Next? Undoubtedly, one of the Winchesters again.

—MG


The Walking Dead

Who Died? Surprisingly, in the season finale? No one. Well, no one we cared about. Some randos died, but none of the main characters. I'm as puzzled as you are. In this season of March Massacre, the fact that TWD restrained itself from killing a lead in the season finale was, well, restrained. Something this show is not known for.

In the mid-season finale on the other hand? Herschel Greene and the Governor. And, look, we all know the characters that died in the March 16, 2014 episode, but I'm not writing about those because: a. it's traumatic; and b. my sister hasn't seen that yet and I'm making her watch the back half of season four while she's home for a visit, and she kinda has to see this because it's her blog. So, you know who died, and I know who died, and let's just leave it at that. [Didn’t some kids die, or something? Also, does this mean that TWD should have been in the “in the last month” section? –Madelyn]

Why Would They Do That? Well, I mean if they weren't going to kill anyone in the season finale, the mid-season finale was basically a requirement. In all seriousness, the Governor had long outstayed his welcome and never worked as a character as well as was probably hoped, and Herschel was the last link to a settled, more civilized society. So he had to die. Also, presumably Scott Wilson was ready to be awesome elsewhere.

What Does it Mean for the Show? Well, we got to stop having Governor-centric episodes that we were expected to take seriously. Also, less eyepatches. Honestly, it was past time to kill the Governor and I think we're all happier for it. Also, apparently it was time to introduce cannibals, or something, and even the Governor wasn't into that. Killing Herschel really underlined the ugliness of the post-zombie apocalypse world, it untethered the characters from the paternal figure, and it let Beth have her own storyline.

How Should I Mourn? Crazy eyepatch party! While reading from the Book of Psalms! Best of both characters.

Who's Next? Well, seeing as CANNIBALS, probably someone. Soon. Early in the next season, which doesn't begin for another seven months. Beth is the obvious choice due to her extreme kidnapping, but I'm going with a less obvious option like Glenn or Maggie (OR BOTH), or this show can continue its long tradition of killing off perfectly lovely actors of color (odds on Sasha, Tyreese, AND Bob making it through season five? Does anyone think that's at all likely?)

—HG


Degrassi: The Next Generation

Who Died? Fan favorite Adam Torres. At this point, it might be easier to leave off the “fan favorite” part and only mention it when the fans didn’t like someone.

Why Would They Do That? Actress Jordan Todosey was at the end of her contract (and either didn’t want or was not asked to renew it, it’s not clear), and the writers really wanted to write a Very Special Episode about texting and driving. I didn’t watch the episode in question, but I’d bet my Netflix subscription that it contained some variation on the words, “It can wait.”

What Does it Mean for the Show? A brief period of mourning, followed by a new, probably less-charismatic, cast member.

How Should I Mourn? The same way you mourned when J.T. died, whatever that was.

Who’s Next? Ooh, this is a fun one. Degrassi loves killing off beloved characters almost as much as it loves driving them off the rails until they are no longer beloved, so I’m going to go with Eli (Munro Chambers).

—MG


Other notable deaths from shows we either don’t watch or don’t care about

·         Deb on Dexter (We totally would have cared five years ago.)

·         Green on Downton Abbey (Hardly a main character and mostly just a way for Fellowes to keep making Bates suuuper creepy.)

·         Clarissa on Reign (We don't watch this show, we have no idea who this character is, but we’re pretty sure she has awesome faux 16th century clothing that looks like it could have been bought at H&M this year and probably pretty hair.)

·         Joss Carter on Person of Interest (Another show neither of us watch, although with Amy Acker as an incentive, it’s unclear why we don’t.) 

·         Tara on Sons of Anarchy (She was the wife of the guy whose actor took and then turned down the male lead in 50 Shades of Grey, thereby freeing it up for the Sheriff’s actor. Man, we should really draw up a Web of Death and see how these are all connected.)