Friday, December 6, 2013

Actual Things (My Friend and) I Said Out Loud While Watching NBC's The Sound of Music and Drinking

Once is an instance, twice is half-hearted bullshitting, but three times is a series! The six of you who follow this blog will remember my previous smash hit posts, Actual Things That I Said Out Loud While Watching the First 2 Seasons of Pretty Little Liars Over a 4-Day Period and Actual Things I Said Out Loud While Watching the First Season and a Half of Nip/Tuck Until It Betrayed Me By Making Me Feel Things. This is the third in the series, except that unlike the others, I've actually presented the things that I said in chronological order. Basically, it's a liveblog, except I couldn't be bothered to do it live. You will probably not understand this at all if you didn't watch NBC's The Sound of Music.

A note, before we begin. I'm aware that the movie version of The Sound of Music made a few significant changes from the original musical, and that NBC's version by and large used the musical's version. My friend and I have only ever seen the movie. In the harsh light of sobriety, I'll admit that the songs that were cut from the musical to make the movie (and that NBC's version returned) are very good. Indeed, there were one or two good things about NBC's The Sound of Music: Laura Benanti was great, the Abbess was great, and I really liked the bit before the party where the older kids talked about the parties they remembered from when they were younger. But I still think that the song order from the original musical is really, really stupid, and that NBC is even stupider for not using the movie's order. (Putting "Do-Re-Mi" after the thunderstorm scene means that there's a reason the kids start to like Maria, rather than just...having them suddenly be on board with this singing thing. And "Edelweiss" is way more affecting when it's a reprise in the final scene.) And redeeming Rolf is the stupidest.

So there.

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These hills do not look alive. These hills look like they should be the set of Into the Woods. The second act of Into the Woods.

The music is too loud for the singers. This should not be an issue on television.

Oh, Carrie Underwood. I wish you could act.

You understand that this is supposed to be a funny musical, right?

It’s “My Favorite Things.” It’s not a soulful song. You’re singing about copper kettles. It’s cheerful, it’s charming, but there’s not supposed to be a great depth of feeling to it, you know?

I like it. These wimples are the biggest wimples I have ever seen.

You are not old enough to have a sixteen-year-old daughter. Shenanigans.

What? What? I don’t understand that joke. I think it was a joke.

That was a quick transition from hating her to singing with her.

You can see the Alps from everywhere in Austria. True fact.

[Here, I poured myself a glass of wine.]

You’re wearing shorts. You’re wearing shorts. You’re like my age and you’re wearing shorts!

I think you may have missed the point of this song. I think you totally missed the point of this song.

Heh. That was some quick carving, guy.

And yet it’s amazing that even though they missed the point of that song, the mere fact of Carrie Underwood’s absence made it the best thing that this musical has done.

I swear to God, even when they leave the jokes in, you can just suck the charm out of them, Carrie Underwood.

This is why it was dumb to put “My Favorite Things” at the beginning.

You’re not singing anymore, you’re just shouting!

Time for more wine.

[My friend Kirsten showed up during this commercial break. Also, I got a second glass of wine.]

Me: This scene is exactly as bad in this version as it was in the movie.

K: Oh my god, it’s Vampire Bill
Me: Who’s Vampire Bill?
K: He’s in True Blood. [Kirsten then devolved into something about how good True Blood is.]

K: He’s married to Anna Paquin.
Me: Well that will make up for the fact that he did this on live television.

K: None of them look German.
Me: None of them are blond.

K: [Literally less than a minute later.] None of them are blond.
Me: This is what I’m saying!

K: Just because you breathe deeply through your nose does not make you an important military man.
Me: Stop. Just watch Carrie Underwood be terrible.

K: She’s grabbing her boobs.

Me: I think the woman who should be the Baroness is wearing the dress that Maria was wearing earlier in the movie.
K: The what? Oh, I thought you said she was wearing the breasts.

K: He’s really bad at singing. Where’s Hugh Jackman?

Me: Are you cutting out Edelweiss? You’d better not be cutting out Edelweiss. I will hunt you.

Me: Have you noticed how they made her look like a little Alpine maiden? She’s fucking Heidi. She’s Heidi.

K: You just can’t beat the original actor.
Me: Christopher Plummer.
K: You just can’t beat Christopher Plummer. Nobody puts Christopher Plummer in the corner.

Me: They totally cut Edelweiss, those fuckers.
K: They’ll still put it at the end.
Me: You need it at the beginning, to establish what it’s about!

K: Man, I wish I could get drunk as fast as you.

K: Why is everyone dumb?

Me: I don’t understand why she couldn’t have just imitated Julie Andrews’ inflections. Like, it’s not that hard.

Me: And of course they cut out the fact that it’s an Austrian folk dance, which was meaningful, because the Captain loves being Austrian, and he loves that she’s Austrian and knows this folk dance. But of course we don’t know the depth of his feelings, because THEY CUT OUT EDELWEISS!
K: Your cat’s afraid.

K: Corporation president?
Me: Are you trying to update this? Are you trying to update this while keeping the Nazis?
K: Corporation president?

K: You know what this makes me want to do? Watch the original and forget all about this version.

K: We gotta buy some hard liquor so I can get drunk.
Me: There’s whiskey.
K: …I’ll grin and bear it.

[Here, we ran out of wine and moved on to cider. Kirsten never actually broke out the whiskey.]

Me: You missed the nuns. The nuns have gigantic wimples.
K: That almost sounded dirty.
Me: Wimple is just a dirty-sounding word.
K: When I think of wimples I think of flaccid penis.

K: Why do you put all the mean things I say? You encouraged me!

K: “I don’t like working there!” “Well, maybe you love your boss.”

Me: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are so much better than Sound of Music. In this version.
K: Yeah. They’re a lot better than a lot of things.

Me: This is now two more times than this song should have been used.

K: Oh my god, he can’t sing. His helping him is actually hurting their singing. That’s how bad he sings.

K: She got a new suit!
Me: She got rid of her Heidi hair.
K: She looks like she’s in the 1950s now. And like, a stewardess.

Me: Note how “My Favorite Things” has lost its resonance because she never taught it to them.

Me: Wait, they’re about to fuck up this scene.
K: They’re about to fuck up every scene.

K: I’m so happy this is almost over.
Me: It’s not, though.
K: Shit.

K: You know what they’re doing? They’re acting like it’s a play, only it’s not a play. It’s TV. You’re supposed to act small for TV.

K: That’s actually kind of funny.
Me: It is. If only they had any sense of comedic timing.

Me: Why are you bringing your bad acting into this mediocre acting scene?

K: This is like watching As the World Turns.

Me: “Yodelee-ee” does not make sense for the refrain. “My Favorite Things” makes sense for the refrain. It has meaning.

K: This whole thing is bullshit. It’s not paced right. There’s no romantic build-up.
Me: Oh my god, is there never any romantic bilg-a-bild-uga.

Me: It occurs to me that Carrie Underwood is neither a flibbertigibbet, nor a will-o-the-wisp, nor a clown.
K: I can’t honestly tell you what a flibbertigibbet is.

K: It makes me sad when I think about how many people are probably watching this.

Me: Now you’re pulling out the “My Favorite Things” refrain? You’d think at this point they could at least follow through with the “Yodelee-ee” thing.

Me: Wow, you totally made that less meaningful than it was. That’s like their magic power.
K: Ruining everything.

[Here, almost mid-sentence, Kirsten fell asleep. All dialogue from here on out is mine, unless otherwise specified.]

You’re a Nazi and you’re still in short pants.

Are you trying to redeem Rolf? Because that’s stupid.

Did you just change clothes? Now you’re Dominatrix Heidi. I think I’m too drunk to understand this.

This song is not as good as a reprise. Fuck it. Fuck you, Rogers and Hammerstein. You’re just not as good as the people who made the movie. And the people who made this movie are just… bad. Fuck you. I’m done.
K: [still asleep] Heh.

You’re just opposed to jokes, aren’t you? You’re opposed to happiness.

Oh, goodbye Max. I guess you’re arrested now. But… we’re not supposed to care about that?

Ugh. You redeemed Rolf. That was stupid.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that you should have remade the movie and not the musical. And not hired Carrie Underwood.

God forbid anyone laugh or be happer—happy. Ever.

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