Sunday, March 16, 2014

"Live"-blogging episodes 17-20 of Pretty Little Liars season 4

My sister has been asking for this for a while, and apparently I haven't been very supportive of her in her time of need (she's having an existential crisis because she has liked two episodes of The Walking Dead in a row), so here it is: A live-blog of Pretty Little Liars, episodes 4x17 - 4x20. I may put up an Actual Things I Said Out Loud for all of season 4b in the near future, but for now, here you go, Holly. Hope you're happy.


4x17, "Bite Your Tongue"

Since when is Aria right? (Actually, I take that back; Aria is pretty fucking dumb, but she’s often right about friendship/emotional stuff.)

Yes, Allison has shown so much indication of being willing to never contact you again.

Oh, hey, Mike’s a character!

Wait, is that the same actor Mike used to be? Is this going to be another Jason DiLaurentis situation?

Dude, Hanna, why are you reading a thriller? Is your real life not enough?

Oh lord, it’s some kind of twisted therapy.

Mona!

Mona has friends?

Dude, Mike, there’s “mistakes,” and then there’s “psychological torture.”

Emily’s dad! We’re just seeing all kinds of long-lost characters. Who’s next? Lucas? Sean? Spencer’s sister?

Emily, you know your father is in no way responsible for Spencer following you, right?

Things I still don’t care about: Ezra and his not-son.

Wait, who is this guy Hanna is talking to? Should I know who this person is? THIS SHOW HAS TOO MANY DAMN CHARACTERS.

“Hanna, please stop reading.” Emily, you’re the worst.

Mona, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re really obviously evil.

Spencer, it’s one test. You’re like basically already into college, aren’t you? Just bomb it. Or like talk to a teacher. Or something.

Hanna, you read books in the best way.

The group is not a “safe place!” Mona is there!

Also, it’s pretty much High School Administration 101 to discourage disturbed former bullies from associating with their victims’ family.

Who is this guy? Am I supposed to know this guy?

Okay, PLL, thank you for the fancy cinematography.

Oh my God I hope this all comes down to the time Hanna had to volunteer at the dentists’ office.

Aria, oh my God, stop it.

Emily, you’re always wrong and you always give terrible advice.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT THEY ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT SEAN! (Apparently he’s at boarding school.)

Mr. Fitz! He’s eating boysenberry pie! HE’S A, HE’S A!

What kind of town is this where they’re ALWAYS running into teachers outside of school?

I MEAN SERIOUSLY, HANNA.

That waitress is terrible. That waitress is a terrible waitress.

Maybe I’m missing something, because to be fair I’ve never had boysenberry pie and I’m not a huge beer drinker, but what’s so gross about that order?

HA IT’S BOARD SHORTS HA! But wait, how did Board Shorts get that nickname? I thought it was literally because they saw a picture of a guy wearing board shorts. But now I’m starting to think that that was not the case. Why has there been so much plot on this show? It’s impossible to remember all of it!

“Welcome to John Adams High! Where you are gonna die!”

No, she panicked because somebody was trying to kill her.

Heh. You guys all had a really terrible night.

Oh, I’m a terrible person, but the Super Best Friends doing a dental exam is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

It’s a note! They left an A note in Hanna’s mouth! This is like the creepiest this show has ever been!

Oh, it’s that parrot. I vaguely remember that parrot being a thing.


  
 4x18, "Hot For Teacher"

How many times do I have to tell you girls not to trust anyone?

You know that one A is a dude. Why on earth would you assume there’s only one?

Seriously, why is Aria lying about seeing Ezra? I’m so confused.

Oh, Crazy Spencer. I’ve missed you SO MUCH.

Emily, I know this may be damning you with faint praise, but I think you’re probably the best dressed of the Super Best Friends. (For those wondering, the order goes: Emily, Crazy Spencer, Hanna, Normal Spencer, Aria.)

Shana, have you never said the word “fanfiction” out loud before? Because that’s not where the emphasis goes.

Sherlock Holmes!Hanna is a wonderful new flavor of Hanna.

Creepy Double Entendre!Ezra is also a wonderful new flavor of Ezra.

Spencer, you’ve been doing crazy Adderal research for days, and you just thought to search “Ezra Fitz Ravenswood address”?

Therapist, you are creepy.

A while back, PLL passed the Lost Inflection Point—the point at which it becomes clear that a show cannot possibly provide a satisfactory answer that justifies all of its mysteries. Shows that have passed the LIP are great fun. They’re like the all-night benders of TV shows; all about the fun and experience in the moment, and save the consequences for the morning.

Yes. Yes, Alison wants a twin poster. The twin poster will solve everything.

You know, sometimes it forgets it a little bit, but I’m really gratified by how much this show does care about these girls’ friendship.

Ezra, you really are the creepiest, and if Aria weren’t an idiot/seventeen, she would see how insanely manipulative you are.

That’s the only time I’ve ever seen chickpeas used as a scary reveal.

This moment in which Ezra creepily looks at pictures of teenage girls on his stalker computers seems like a good moment for me to remember that his actor went to my alma mater.

Somebody is definitely going to accidentally sell that bag of coffee.

The weirdest part about Sherlock!Hanna is that she’s actually a fairly competent detective.

Spencer I love your brain. Although you probably could have lied a little better just then.

Alison looks really different in this episode, but I can’t really put my finger on why.



4x19, "Shadow Play" 

I really like Mona’s shoes. Also, does she have blue hair now? Since when does Mona have blue hair?

I love how Spencer’s parents just leave their teenage daughter home alone, like, all the time.

Emily, hasn’t everybody in this group had to interrogate their significant other at some point?

Also, Spencer, why are there foxes on your boobs?

Oh no, Aria’s talking about writing. This can go nowhere good.

OH MY GOD, EZRA AND ARIA ARE HAVING A CREEPY STATEMENT CONTEST.

Am I going to have to have read Chandler to understand this episode?

Why are like 70% of the things I say about PLL these days questions?

PSYCHOTIC BREAK, EXCELLENT.

14-year-olds watch this show and even though it probably gives them terrible ideas about what constitutes a healthy relationship I think it’s excellent.

I’m not even going to bother guessing whether any of what’s on my screen is really happening.

Wow, Hanna is wonderfully well suited to the black-and-white era.

All of their clothing is 900% better than usual.

I’m really sad that none of them are affecting 1940s movie-star accents.

Edgewood 50139! Old-school phone numbers! (Fun fact: I stopped the episode here so that I could research telephone exchange names. “Edgewood” was code for ED, or 33, so Spencer is asking the operator to connect her to 335-0139. This is strange, since most TV shows and movies—including PLL, if I remember right—use the non-existent 555 area code, to avoid broadcasting a real person’s phone number. PLL could have done so in this case by having Spencer dial “Klondike 50139.” “Klondike,” code for KL, or 55, is a fictional telephone exchange that was used in old movies and TV shows for the same reason we use the 555 area code today. “KL-50139” would have translated to 555-0139—a non-existent phone number in any time period.)

Now I forget who Spencer was calling.

Actually, Toby’s actor is attempting a 1940s movie star accent. He’s not succeeding, but he’s definitely attempting.

I know I said I wasn’t going to guess what was really happening and what isn’t, but how could Spencer’s weird black-and-white dream world extend to scene’s she’s not actually present for?

Paige, meanwhile, has way stranger fashion in black and white. On the other hand, Paige! Once again a real person, on screen!

You know, it’s not like the heels these girls wear in 2014 are any lower than their 1940s heels. So why is it that only the 40s heels click on the pavement?

Split screen!

Further developments in the Not-Guessing-What’s-Real Department: No, definitely none of this is real.

HANNA’S A SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR? THAT’S AMAZING.

Have Aria and Paige ever spoken in real life?

Paige is getting more of a story in this incredibly not-real episode than she has for like the past two seasons.

Ezra and Toby, drinkin’ in the lodge.

On the other hand, this conversation between Spencer and Allie is probably about as real as 90% of the conversations we’ve seen between Allie and any of the Super Best Friends.

Wait, is Dream Toby a private investigator or a police detective?

You can’t fool me with black and white, show. That’s not champagne. That’s water.

Dream Ezra is still only like 70% as evil as real Ezra.

YES, SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR HANNA IS EXCELLENT.

Paige and Emily, you two are adorable in every time period ever. Though I’m a little perplexed that Spencer’s dream focuses so heavily on your love life.

Seriously, Spencer spends half her dream getting couples together who are already together in reality.

Also, Spencer seems to be aware on some level that Aria is still seeing Ezra.

“Everything that’s happening to him and me, I don’t feel like it’s ever happened to anyone else before.” Spencer sure knows Aria well.

Oh, but this is a very pretty episode.

My internet keeps acting up and the episode is pausing like once a minute and this is TORTURE.

Wow, Spencer had that whole dream in like three seconds, that’s pretty impressive.

Spencer, you can’t possibly be surprised by this turn of events. You just dreamed it, seriously.



4x20, "Free Fall"

Creepy double entendres from Ezra, I’m never gonna give you up.

The ranking of Crazy Spencer’s fashion sense is being revised downward, but at least her clothing is terrible in a normal way.

Spencer doesn’t have everybody fooled. Spencer has Aria fooled. And only Aria.

How long ago was two years ago, even? Was it pre-A? Pre Allie’s disappearance? Was Aria in Iceland? I can’t keep track of this show’s timeline.

Hanna, darling, you are bad at interventions.

Spencer, you would be so much more convincing if you didn’t look literally dead. On the other hand, you’re right. On the other hand, you’ve apparently decided that your movie dreams are reality. On the other hand, your friends are pretty quick to jump to the conclusion that you’re straight-up lying.

And wait, didn’t Hanna and Emily have perfectly good reasons to believe that Ezra’s up to no good that aren’t entirely dependent on Spencer’s word?

Mona, did you just call glasses “corrective lenses”?

THANK YOU, Hanna. Thank you for being reasonable.

Wow, Spencer’s mom, you’re not overly interested in your daughter’s life, are you?

Aria. Aria. Your boyfriend is evil. Just accept it.

Oh lord, Aria. Even if your boyfriend weren’t evil, that was a really stupid statement to agree with.

Spencer, honey.

Okay, 1) Where the fuck is Aria? Is she at Ezra’s cabin? Why doesn’t she know the password? Didn’t she come in here once before without having to enter a password? And 2) Ezra really needs to choose better passwords.

Oh, look, Spencer’s mom has entered the “aware” phase of her neglect/love parenting cycle.

Really, Ezra? You weren’t worried that Aria might, like, idly flip through the coffee table book one day?

Ezra senses a disturbance in the Force.

Aria, you idiot.

Why is there a ski lift? Is this a skiing mountain? And even if it is, is this skiing season? I’m confused.

ARIA, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Toby is here for the second intervention of the episode.

I’m really confused, though, because apparently Spencer is a recovering drug addict and we were just never told about this.

Also, just putting this out there: Spencer's mom is worse at interventions than Hanna.




1 comment:

  1. Haha. This pretty much is "Actual Things I Said Aloud" and I LOVE IT. Can't wait to hear your take on the rest of the season - the finale is tomorrow and you know I'm going to want to talk about it, so get watching! I appreciate your support in this difficult time of me liking three (three! three now!) episodes of The Walking Dead.

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